I Don't Know Why
by GoodJuju
Summary: A woman from Grissom's past returns. What secrets do they share, and how will she impact Gil and Catherine?


"Are you going?" 

The question, asked in low tones, stopped Catherine Willows in her tracks. She paused in the hallway outside the breakroom turned to face Jim Brass. "To what?" 

"The dinner tomorrow night. Are you going?" He glanced around again to make sure no one could hear them. 

She couldn't help rolling her eyes as she answered, "Oh yeah, sure. I have nothing better to do on a Saturday night than go to a testimonial dinner for that bitch? I don't think so." 

He agreed with her sentiments, but thought he'd better let her know, "Grissom's going." 

Well, shit. That was a whole different matter. She closed her eyes as she silently cursed Janet Hamilton and whatever perverse sentiment had made her invite the three friends to this dinner. "Fine. I'll go." 

"Me too. Do you want to ride together?" 

She couldn't keep the flirtatious half-grin off her face. "Why Jim Brass, are you asking me for a date?" 

He blushed slightly as he shrugged. "I just thought somebody'd better be there to keep you from ripping her throat out." 

"Probably a good idea. Pick me up at seven?" 

"I'll be there." 

************************************* 

_I waited 'til I saw the sun _

_I don't know why I didn't come _

_I left you by the house of fun _

_I don't know why I didn't come _

_I don't know why I didn't come _

__

Jim and Catherine walked into the banquet room at Circus Circus and looked around. 

"'The Mystery Writers of America Welcomes our keynote speaker, Ms Janet Hamilton, author of 'Strip Murder' and five other best-selling novels.' I think I'm going to be sick." Catherine announced as she looked down at the program for the evening. 

Jim smiled. "Look, there's Grissom." He steered her through the crowd to a table near the dais. 

The other man stood as they approached the table, his eyebrows raised in surprise. "Catherine, Brass, I didn't really expect to see you here." He may have greeted Jim, but his gaze never left Catherine. 

"I'm rather surprised to be here myself," she shrugged and smiled to herself. The look on Grissom's face was remarkably like the one Brass had worn when she'd opened the door to him tonight. She knew that the deep sapphire blue silk dress she'd worn would bring out the red in her strawberry blond hair and compliment the blue of her eyes. She was determined that at least in her little corner of the room, Janet Hamilton was not going to be the center of attention tonight. 

Meanwhile, backstage, the object of Catherine's wrath stood obliviously checking the notes for her speech. The frantic pacing of her publicist only amused her. "Allison, I still don't understand why you get more nervous at these things than I do. I'm the one who has to go give the speech." 

"Oh, your speech. Make sure you thank those people from CSI for coming tonight." 

Janet froze, feeling the blood draining from her face. "People from CSI?" 

"Yeah, the ones you did your research with for your first book? I thought it would be a good local angle to invite them tonight." Allison didn't like the look on Janet's face. "Janet, what's wrong?" 

"I can't do this." She couldn't believe this was happening. She'd hoped to just slip into Vegas, make her speech at the convention, and slip back out again, without anyone, especially Gil Grissom being any the wiser. "I can't go out there." 

"I'm sorry, I thought you'd want them to be here." Allison didn't know what had her friend so freaked out, but she saw the other speakers already finding their places at the dais and made one last attempt to calm Janet's nerves. "Look, maybe they didn't even show up. Just forget about it." 

"Yeah. You're probably right."_ 'They wouldn't want to come see me anyway.' _

__Some of the color had come back to Janet's face, and Allison breathed a little easier as she walked with her to their seats. Luckily, the way the lights had been arranged made it difficult for them to see out into the audience. Allison didn't want to think of what Janet would do if she saw all three of the CSI people sitting together at a table to her right. 

An hour and a half later, both the dinner and the speech finished, Janet made her way down to the main floor. This was her time to mingle with the other mystery writers, give autographs and take pictures with her fans. She smiled and chatted as she autographed books, but still had no idea of what she'd said at the podium. All she could think of were blue eyes that had smiled at her for a while, and that now would surely be filled with distrust, if not hate. Thank God she hadn't seen him from the stage. That had to mean he wasn't here, right? 

Just as she signed the last book, she looked up to find those eyes staring at her. Five years melted away as she just stood there. Finally, the fan whose book she still held cleared her throat yet again, and Janet remembered to breathe. With a smile that wouldn't have fooled a blind man, she handed the book back and waited until the fan had walked away. 

"Gil." 

"How are you, Jan?" 

She didn't know what to say. 'I'm sorry' just didn't seem to cut it. Swallowing a sigh, she settled for "I'm doing well. And yourself?" 

"The same." 

"I didn't expect to see you here tonight."_ 'God, that was stupid, Jan.' _

__"Then why did you send the invitations?" 

Jan's smile grew even more brittle as she recognized the voice. She hadn't even seen Catherine who'd been standing behind Gil. "Hello, Catherine. Nice to see you too. Hello, Jim." 

Brass nodded in greeting. "Janet. It's been a long time." 

Her eyes were back on Grissom's. "Yes, it has." 

Catherine rolled her eyes. For all the good she and Brass were doing, they could have stayed home. Her friend and boss couldn't tear his eyes away from the blonde with the large hazel eyes that gazed back at him. What was it about this woman that blinded Grissom to the kind of poison she was? She'd already hurt him once, and he'd barely gotten over it. Catherine turned back to Brass, silently asking him what they could do. He gave her a 'what can you do' shrug and reached down to take his pager off his belt. 

"Excuse me." He stepped a few feet away, checked the number and reached for his cell phone. Catherine tried to think of something to say that wouldn't have an end result of Grissom not speaking to her for weeks, but came up empty. A few short moments later Brass joined them again. 

"Sorry to break this little party up, but we need to go, Catherine." 

That comment did what nothing else had done since the dinner had been served. It got Grissom's attention away from Janet as he turned to look at his friends with raised eyebrows. _'They're together? On a date together? When the hell did that happen?' _

__Catherine caught the look on his face and fought to keep the smirk off her face. _'Well, hell, if I'd known that was all it took, I'd have flirted with Brass all night.' _But then she corrected herself. No, she never would have used a friend that way. That was too close to Janet's level and she refused to lower herself that way. 

She still didn't want to leave Grissom alone with that witch, but she didn't see any other options. "All right, Brass. Gil, I'll see you later." 

Now he was more confused than ever. She hardly ever called him by his first name. And she was on a date with Jim Brass. He wasn't sure how he felt about that. 

Catherine waited until Jim had pulled the car out into traffic before confronting him. "What was the page?" 

"Page?" he sounded distracted by the traffic on the strip, but she knew better. 

"Yes, page. You returned it, and said we had to leave?" She stared at him while comprehension dawned. "There was no page, was there?" 

He didn't answer, but the look on his face told her all she needed to know. 

"Dammit, Jim! Why the hell did you do that?" 

He sighed. "Because we weren't doing any good there, Catherine. Because if you'd stayed much longer, you were either going to have a stroke, or I'd have to arrest you for assault. And because I didn't want to be around her any more than you did." 

Catherine looked out the window at the passing lights, her temper evaporated by his logic. 

They rode in silence until they reached her house. He got out and walked her to the door, despite her telling him it wasn't necessary. She unlocked the door and turned around. 

"It's still pretty early. Do you want to come in for some coffee or anything?" 

He looked at the attractive woman standing in front of him. Attractive? He almost snorted. She was sexy as hell and she knew it. If only she had been anyone else, he'd have taken her up on it. If only she wasn't hung up on someone else. If only that someone else wasn't a close friend to both of them. She and Grissom might still be in denial, but Jim Brass's momma didn't raise no fool. "No thanks, Cat. I'd better head on home." 

He walked back to his car and headed home, to spend another lonely night with his 'if onlys'. 

************************************* 

_When I saw the break of day _

_I wished that I could fly away _

_Instead of kneeling in the sand _

_Catching teardrops in my hand _

_My heart is drenched in wine _

_But you'll be on my mind _

_Forever _

__

"I am so sorry," Janet apologized. They had just been interrupted for the third time by fellow writers and fans who'd wanted to talk to her. 

"Maybe we should find somewhere private to talk," he suggested. 

"That would be nice." She felt like she was going to have a complete meltdown, and she didn't relish the idea of that happening in public. "We could go to my suite, but my publicist will be there." 

"My place isn't far." Gil suggested, raising an eyebrow. 

Janet gave him the first genuine smile she'd shown since she'd found out he was there. "Lead on, McDuff." 

A few short minutes later she walked into his living room, and looked around, smiling at the bookshelves lining two of the walls. "This is nice." 

He turned from locking the door. "Thanks. Have a seat, make yourself comfortable. Can I get you a drink?" 

"That would be great." She knew she'd need all the courage she could get for the conversation they were going to have, and she didn't care if part of it came out of a bottle. 

He walked into the kitchen and she looked around a little. Spotting a pamphlet on the coffee table, she picked it up and started reading. 

Gil walked back holding two glasses and spotted what she was reading. Shit, why hadn't he put that away? The look in her eyes when she looked up at him was the one he'd been dreading. 

"Gil, I'm so sorry. It's started, hasn't it?" 

He sat down beside her, wondering why in the hell it hadn't kicked in when he actually wanted it too, so he wouldn't have to hear the sympathy in her voice. Pity. That was what he dreaded, even more than the advancement of his condition. 

He wanted to lie to her, so badly, but he knew he couldn't. He'd never been able to lie to her. "It's not too bad, so far, just episodes where everything fades out." 

_'Ok, act like everything's normal. Act like you're not sitting here with the one man you'd hoped you'd never have to face again. Act like he's not fighting for his self-confidence in the face of losing his hearing.'_ "If there's anything I can do... I mean, I know some doctors, specialists, if you think they'd be able to..." 

"I have a doctor." 

The sharpness of his voice hit her like a punch in the gut. "Ok." 

She took a gulp from her glass. 

"Can we just change the subject, please?" He wouldn't talk about the otosclerosis, he couldn't. 

"Sure. You name it," she answered without thinking. 

"I think you know what I want to talk about, Jan." His eyes held hers, denying her the chance to look away. 

"I think I said everything in my letter." _'Dammit, why didn't I see that one coming?'_ Another swallow drained her glass. 

"Why, Jan? Why did you really leave?" 

The pain in his voice made her long for another drink. _'You did this for all the right reasons. Remember that.'_ "I told you why." 

"Not really." Gil drained his drink and headed back to the kitchen. This time he brought the bottle back with him, refilling both glasses. 

Janet picked up her glass, staring into the amber liquid before rising to walk over to the windows. She stood there, staring out into the darkness with her back to him. "I don't know what you want me to say." 

She could see his reflection in the window as he walked up behind her. Gently, he put his hands on her shoulders and turned her around. "I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me why you left me." 

She blinked and tried to swallow her tears. "Gil..." 

Anger flashed in his eyes. "No. I want to... I need to hear it from you. Not some letter you left behind." 

She smiled slowly. "I always was better with the written word." 

"I don't care. Besides, you've had five years to figure out what you're going to say." 

She searched his eyes, debating whether or not she should just quote the letter she'd left him. She could still remember every word. "It wasn't going to work, Gil. You know that, don't you? I just wasn't what you needed and I didn't want you to wind up resenting me." 

He shook his head slowly, still angry. "And you think you know better than I do what I need?" 

"Not so much what as who, yes." 

She could almost see him pulling back behind those emotion defenses of his. "Do you want another drink?" 

"Fine." She handed him her glass then crossed her arms over her chest and turned back toward the window. 

No other words were spoken until he followed with her refilled glass. "Thanks." 

"Look... I'm sorry, but maybe you were right. We don't need to have this conversation." 

"Maybe I should just go back to the hotel." 

"No." He stopped her with a gentle hand on her arm. "Stay." 

************************************* 

_Out across the endless sea _

_I would die in ecstasy _

_But I'll be a bag of bones _

_Driving down the road alone_

It took a half hour of arguing with herself and pacing her kitchen for Catherine to make the phone call. 

_'It's too early.' 'No, it's not, you wimp. Call him!' "I don't want to be a pest.' 'You're just calling to check on him - see how he's doing. You know he has to be upset after seeing that bitch again.' 'Not as upset as you are.' 'He deserves better than her.' 'Like you, maybe?'_ She froze in her tracks. _'Where the hell did that come from?' _

Finally she picked up the phone and dialed a number from memory. 

A groggy voice answered. "Hello?" 

_'I told you it was too early.'_ "Grissom? Did I wake you?" 

"Catherine? No, I just, um, haven't had any coffee yet." 

"Oh. Sorry." 

Silence 

"Catherine?" 

"Yes." 

"Was there a reason for this call?" 

"Oh. Yeah, well, I mean, I just, uh..." Her voice trailed off as she heard a familiar female voice in the background. 

"Gil, you're out of shampoo." 

"Excuse me a moment, Catherine." She could hear him place his hand over the receiver before calling out, "No, I'm not. There's a new bottle under the sink." 

He removed his hand. "I'm sorry. You were saying?" 

Catherine stood stock still in the middle of the room, her eyes squeezed shut. She was amazed by how steady her voice was as she answered. "You know what? It's not that important. I'll just, uh, see you Monday night. Bye, Gil." 

************************************* 

"Allison, you already called for the bell man, right?" Janet closed the suitcase and was just snapping the locks shut as she heard the knock at the door. "Never mind, they're here." 

She dragged the heavy case off the bed and across the room. "I'm coming!" 

She threw open the door to her suite and froze when she spotted the woman standing in the hall. Catherine raised an eyebrow and smirked. "Surprise." 

Janet stepped back to let the other woman inside. "Actually, Catherine, I'm not really that surprised at all." 

"Is that the bell man?" Allison called from the second bedroom before walking out and seeing Catherine. "Oh, I guess not." She glanced at Janet uneasily, wondering if she should call hotel security. 

"Allison, Catherine and I need to talk. Do you think you could go down to the desk and tell them that we'll be checking out in just a little while?" Janet didn't take her eyes off of Catherine while she spoke. 

"Um, sure." Still uneasy about leaving her friend alone with a woman who was obviously hostile, Allison grabbed her purse and eased out the door. 

As soon as the door closed, Janet turned and walked to the couch, gracefully sitting down and watching Catherine pace in front of her. She'd always seemed to make Catherine angry without even trying, and she decided that was the best way to get behind the other woman's defenses. Crossing her legs carefully, she looked up at Catherine as regally as she could manage. "Go ahead." 

Catherine paused in her pacing to face her. "What?" 

"Go ahead. Proceed with blaming me for whatever is going on in that bleached head of yours." 

"Excuse me?" 

"That's the way our conversations usually go, isn't it? You come in acting all self-righteous while I try not to puke at the thought of getting a lecture on morals from a stripper." Janet examined her fingernails distractedly. 

"What the hell did Gil ever see in you?" Catherine's voice showed her disgust. 

"And now we get to the reason for this little meeting." Janet got up from the couch and approached the other woman. Even years ago, she'd seen what Catherine and Gil had between them, but neither of them would ever admit it. "I can't believe that the two of you are still in denial. You may be many things, Catherine, but I never took you for stupid." 

"I don't know what you're talking about, but since I can see that you're leaving town, I guess we don't really need to have this conversation anyway." Catherine turned toward the door. She refused to revisit Janet's disillusions from years ago. She and Gil were just friends. That's all they would ever be, no matter how much she might wish otherwise. 

"Oh, hell no. You're not going anywhere until we've settled this once and for all." Janet grabbed her by the arm and spun her around. 

"Settle what? You came back, had some fun, and now you're leaving again. Leaving the rest of us to pick up the pieces again. Seems par for the course to me." 

Recognition lit Janet's eyes. "You called Gil's house this morning." 

"Yes, I did. Did you find the shampoo?" Catherine felt her stomach knot up again at the thought of Janet spending the night in Gil's bed. She refused to consider why that might be so. 

"You know, Catherine, I could sit here all day and try to convince you that nothing happened last night, but why bother? You'll never believe me anyway." 

"You're right." 

"Look, I had a little, no, a lot too much to drink and I fell asleep. That's all." 

"I thought you weren't going to try to convince me." 'And why do I care so much?' 

"You're right. You'll just have to ask him yourself." 

"What Grissom does on his time off is none of my business. I just don't want to see you hurt him again." _'If I say it enough, maybe I'll believe it.' _

__"Bullshit." 

"What?" 

"That's bullshit. Oh, not that you don't want me to hurt him again, but that it's none of your business what he does, or who he does it with, and I can't believe you haven't figured that out yet." Janet walked toward the window, wrapping her arms around her waist. "Don't you want to know why I left before, Catherine?" 

"I know why you left. You got what you wanted, your precious research for your novel. Once you had that, you couldn't wait to shake the dust of this town off of you and get back to New York." Catherine couldn't figure out why Janet was suddenly volunteering this information. 

"Maybe I was wrong about you. Maybe you really aren't that bright. There are a few details you seem to be lacking." She turned from the window to face Catherine again. "The week before I left, I thought I was pregnant." 

When she saw the blood drain from Catherine's face, she rushed on. "I wasn't. It was a false alarm. But it really made me think, for the first time, about what I was getting myself into. Then I found the jewelry store receipt in a drawer." 

"You knew?" She'd always thought it ironic that Gil had come home, planning to propose, only to find that Janet had moved out while he was at work. 

Janet nodded. "I knew that if I stayed, Gil was going to offer me that ring, and that I wasn't strong enough to turn him down. I couldn't marry him, and I couldn't turn him down. The only option I could think of was to leave before he had a chance to ask." 

"Why not? Why couldn't you marry him?" 

"Because, I could face never being as important to him as his job, but I couldn't face not being as important to him as you." 

"Me?" Catherine sank down onto the couch, her mind whirling. 

"I saw the way he looked at you, even if you didn't, and I knew. I also knew that sooner or later, you'd leave Ed. I didn't want myself or my child being what stood between Gil and the woman he really wanted. So I left. I had to get out while I still had some pride to salvage." 

"But... Gil and I..." She had to be wrong. Catherine knew she couldn't have missed signals like that, especially from Gil. Could she? 

"I swear to God, Catherine, if you say that you're just friends, I'll scream." Janet glanced down at her watch. "And I have a plane to catch in ninety minutes, so I'm going to have to ask you to leave so I can check out." 

Catherine stood and walked silently to the door, her mind still full of questions. Janet's voice stopped her as she reached the hall. She desperately wanted to tell her what was going on with Gil, but he'd sworn her to secrecy. "Please, Catherine, don't make all of this a waste. Go. Talk to him. Please. He's... he's going to need you, more than ever." 

She was instantly suspicious. "Why?" 

Janet hesitated. Damn Gil and his secrecy. "He just... I've said too much already. Please, just go. You can make him happy and that's all I really want." 

"Well, I'm surprised, but I think I believe you. Goodbye, Janet." 

"Bye Catherine. Good luck." Janet closed the door behind her and leaned against it. "You'll need it." 

************************************* 

_My heart is drenched in wine _

_But you'll be on my mind _

_Forever _

_Something has to make you run _

_I don't know why I didn't come _

_I feel as empty as a drum _

_I don't know why I didn't come _

__

Catherine sat in her car outside Grissom's townhouse, unable to remember her drive over. Her conversation with Janet kept bouncing around in her head. Janet's revelations about how Gil felt about her were too new for Catherine to assimilate, so they were pushed aside for later consideration. What had captured her thoughts for the moment was Janet's reference to something being wrong with Gil. Catherine had noticed that something had been bothering Gil, but hadn't pressed him on it. Now, though, she was worried. Even though Janet had refused to tell her what the problem was, Catherine could tell she was worried too. 

Finally, she steeled her nerves and walked up to the door. Just as she was raising her hand to knock, the door opened. 

"Catherine." _'Is she psychic?' _

"I'm sorry, were you going somewhere?" _'Great timing, Catherine.' _

__Gil realized he was standing in front of the open door, just staring at her. "Oh, no, sorry. Come on in." 

Catherine walked into the living room, and turned around. "You weren't going anywhere?" 

"Actually," he shrugged out of his jacket, hanging it on the rack by the door, "I was coming to see you." 

Now she was really confused. Not waiting for an invitation, and doubting he'd think to issue one, she took a seat on the sofa. "Why?" 

He sat at the other end of the sofa, his mind on the conversation he'd had with Janet the night before. "Why what?" 

She fought the urge to smile. Was he always this cute when he was distracted? "Why were you coming to see me?" 

"There's something I need to tell you." 

His voice was so serious, she got worried all over again. "Ok." 

"I just, I don't know where to start." 

"Damn it, Gil, just say it, whatever it is. Between you and Janet, I don't think my nerves can take much more." 

"What about Janet?" 

_'Damn, me and my big mouth.'_ "I, well, I went to see Janet before I came over here." 

"Mind telling me why?" he asked, with one eyebrow raised. 

No way was she starting that conversation right now. "Actually, yes, I do mind." 

"What did she say to make you nervous?" Gil could only hope that Janet hadn't spilled the beans just after convincing him to tell Catherine about everything. 

"She just confirmed something that I already knew." Catherine shifted sideways on the sofa, so that she was fully facing him. "That something is going on with you that you haven't wanted to talk about." She took in his slightly guilty look. "But you're going to talk about it. Right now." 

"Does that tone of voice work with Lindsey?" 

"Always." 

"I don't doubt it." He stood up and walked over to the window. "Did I ever tell you about my mother's deafness?" 

"No. I mean, I've met her, I know she's deaf, but you've never volunteered any information about it, and I just thought it was none of my business." Catherine knew she was rambling, but she couldn't stop herself. 

Gil nodded, still looking out the window. "She wasn't born deaf. She has a condition called otosclerosis. It causes a gradual bony growth in the inner ear which interferes with hearing." 

He turned back around to see Catherine watching him, her brow furrowed, trying to figure out why he was telling her all of this. "It's a hereditary condition that can show up at any age." 

Catherine's eyes widened as she opened and closed her mouth a few times before managing to ask. "When?" 

"A few months ago. It comes and goes, but it's becoming more frequent." 

'Calm down, Catherine. Find out what you can first.' "Is there anything that can be done?" 

"There's a surgery, but it's not certain that it would help." 

"When are you going to have it?" 

"I haven't decided if I am." 

"Why the hell not?" Catherine heard her voice rise an entire octave, but she couldn't help it. 

He walked to the bookshelf, pulling down a picture of the night shift, taken at last years Christmas party. "I'm not sure I want to go through an operation that may not do anything to help me. In fact it might hasten the loss of my hearing." 

"So you're going to do nothing? You're just going to sit back and wait to go deaf?" 

His fingers tightened on the frame, but she went on. 

"I can't believe you're not going to fight this!" 

"Well, damn it, maybe I'm not!" Beyond his control, or even comprehension, his arm flung the picture against the wall behind her, the frame cracking and glass shattering on the floor. He stood frozen, mortified by his actions as he watched the blood drain from Catherine's face as she looked at the wreckage on the floor. 

She turned back to him, wide eyed with shock. Hands shaking, she grabbed her purse and headed for the door. She'd seen enough of out of control men to not want to stay. 

"Catherine! Wait!" 

It was only the agony in his voice that kept her from leaving. It was the sight of him, slumped in a sudden exhaustion, that brought her back into the room. She dropped her purse back on the couch and walked over to him, silently telling herself that this was Gil, her best friend, not her bastard ex Eddie. When she reached him, she laid her hand on his arm, waiting for some sign that he even knew she was there. 

"Oh, God, I'm sorry, Catherine. I'm so sorry." His whisper was so soft, she could barely hear him, but he still managed to break her heart. 

"Shhh. It's ok." Soothing him as she would Lindsey, she lead him over to a chair, and urged him to sit down, kneeling in front of him. 

He raised a hand to the side of her face, his eyes searching hers. "You have to know that I would never, never hurt you." 

She managed a small smile. "I know. You were upset." 

His hand dropped back into his lap, and his gaze fell to his feet. "I just, I can't control it. I can't control any of it." 

Tears gathered in her eyes as she heard his voice break. "No matter how hard you try, no one, not even Gil Grissom, can control everything." 

When he looked back up at her, he looked so lost that her tears spilled over. 

"No, Cath, don't cry. Please don't cry." He fought back the thought that he was turning into Ed Willows. First he'd shown her a violent side that no one had ever seen before. Then he'd made Catherine cry. Fighting back the moisture he felt in his own eyes, he gathered her in his arms. 

After a few moments of rocking back and forth, they'd both calmed down enough to let go of each other. Catherine sat back on her heels as Gil slumped back against the chair. She took his hands in hers. "Ok, we need a game plan here. What's the worst that can happen if you do lose your hearing?" 

"Well, I'll lose my job." 

"They can't fire you for that. Look at Doc Robbins. He's a perfect example of working with a disability." 

Gil gave her a rueful smile. "Ecklie wasn't gunning for Doc Robbins, and Doc had friends to make sure he was taken care of." 

"Ok, first off, Ecklie doesn't matter. You've never let him get the better of you yet, and I don't think you'll do it now. You're too stubborn. Secondly, you have friends too, Gil. You know the entire night shift will be behind you, all the way. I told you once that we were going to form a family around you, whether you liked it or not. Well, we have, and you're a big part of it. We're not letting you go that easy." 

"Oh, so we're a family now?" He grinned wryly. 

She nodded. "Yep." 

"So what does that make me? The weird uncle who collects bugs?" 

"It makes you a well-loved part of us." 

"'Well-loved'? I think there's a bit of exaggeration going on here." 

"Not at all. Just ask anyone on night shift. Even Greg." She was grinning now. 

His eyebrows raised, he answered, "I'd just as soon not ask Greg, if you don't mind." 

That brought a full out laugh from her. _'God, does she have any idea what her laugh does to a man? Probably. Oh, well, so what? If I'm going to tell her my secrets today, I may as well go for broke. Besides, I'll probably never get the nerve to tell her any other time.'_ "I will ask you, though." 

"Ask me what?" 

"If you love me." _'Oh, shit, I actually said it.' _

__"Of course I love you, Gil. My God, you practically saved my life back when I was with Eddie. You were always there to listen, to take care of me, and Lindsey. How could I not love you?" 

He pushed out of the chair and walked back to the window. "That's not love, Catherine. That's gratitude, and not what I asked." 

She froze, still kneeling in front of the chair. _'Oh, God, is he asking what I think he is?'_ "Gil?" 

He stood with his back to her again. "How do you think of me, Cath? As your boss? A co-worker? A friend?" 

"You're more than a friend, Gil. You know that." _'He can't mean what I think he does. But wouldn't it be great if he did?'_

__"I guess what I'm really asking is; how much more?" _'She's going to make me say it, isn't she?' _

_'Oh, God, he does mean it.'_ She stood up and walked over to stand behind him. "Gil? Are you saying that you love me?" 

Finally turning to face her, he swallowed his fear. "No, Catherine. I'm saying that I'm in love with you." 

Her stunned silence drug on a beat too long for him. "If you don't feel the same way, that's ok. It doesn't have to change anything between us." 

"Oh, I think it's going to change everything between us," she smiled as she reached a hand up to the back of his neck, pulling his head to brush her lips across his. His arms wrapped around her, pulling her tight against him and deepening the kiss. 

A few minutes later, they pulled back, both slightly breathless. Catherine stared into his eyes, seeing the emotions there and feeling herself fall even further. "Wow." 

He leaned his forehead against hers and chuckled. "Yeah. Wow." 

She backed gently out of his arms, searching for some hold on her swirling thoughts. "I have to ask though, how long have you felt this way?" 

"Well, let's see, how long have I known you now?" he smiled sheepishly. 

Her mouth dropped open. "Then why didn't you ever..." 

"The time was never right, and then there was Eddie," he shrugged. 

"I'm...I'm sorry." 

"Don't be. Without Eddie there wouldn't be Lindsey." He reached up and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "And she's worth anything." 

"Yeah, she is." She smiled, knowing that he couldn't love her little girl anymore if she'd been his own. Another thought occurred to her, though, erasing her smile. "Gil, what about Sara?" 

"Sara? I guess she's worth a lot too?" He was confounded by the change of subject. 

"No, I mean, I thought you and she..." Catherine trailed off uncomfortably. 

"Sara? No. Sara and I, well, she's a protégé. She's a talented scientist, but I just thought she needed some guidance to become an excellent CSI. She and I are way too much alike for there to be anything else between us, and besides, I was already crazy about someone else when I met her." 

Catherine raised an eyebrow. "Does she know you feel this way?" 

"Why?" 

"Gil, I don't think she does." 

"Sure she does. Besides, she's dating Hank, that EMT." 

"How do you know that?" He never took his head out of the microscope long enough to know what was going on around him. How could he possibly know gossip before she did? 

"Warrick told me. Seems she slipped up and called him 'Baby' at a crime scene." He grinned at the thought of knowing more about what was going on with the team than Catherine did for a change. 

"Well, looks like I need to have a talk with Warrick," she muttered. 

Gil pulled her back into his arms. "Weren't we talking about something more important than Sara's love life?" 

"What's that?" she smiled back, reaching her arms around his neck. 

"Ours." 

His lips settled on hers, and this time, neither said anything for a very long time. 

finis? 


End file.
